A couple of days ago, I thought putting Jax to bed was terrifying. That fear is nothing compared to the fear I am now experiencing over sending Jax back to school after his mysterious seizure.
It’s almost laughable that I was so afraid of putting Jackson to bed right across the hall from me. I actually spent 30 minutes Friday night contemplating my ability to scoop him out of bed and put him in bed with me without waking him up. I decided to scrap that idea and we both made it through the night just fine, although I got significantly less sleep than Jackson.
I crawled into bed tonight and finally realized what that nagging feeling I had all night was all about. I return to work tomorrow and Jax goes back to school. It’s no longer an issue of me watching him go about his daily antics with that worry in the back of my mind (ok, right dead front and center in my mind) that I may witness another seizure at any moment. Now I won’t be around to keep a constant eye on Jackson.
I had a panic attack Friday morning. I held it together amazingly well until my mom walked through the door. I was eerily calm until my back-up arrived. I tried to tell my mom what was going on and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I crashed around the kitchen gasping for breath. Thanks to one of the EMTs, I calmed down and was able to breathe normally again.
Tonight, I feel like I’m on the verge of another panic attack. I’m trying to focus on my breathing and calm myself down. I hoped that blogging might help…and it is…a little.
Just like that first night, the normal task of putting Jax to bed seemed so daunting and then turned out just fine, tomorrow’s same old routine terrifies me, but somewhere deep down, I know that it will be fine.
Good night and sweet dreams.