Kicking Ass and Failing Miserably at the Same Time

I am seriously kicking ass at work! Everyone is thrilled and impressed. I’ve even managed to impress the impossible.

Why is it so hard to kick ass in every aspect of ones life?

It’s great that I feel like I’m actually succeeding at work. I feel like I belong there and I’m doing things I love, working with amazing people, and actually enjoy going to work (most days).

But at home, I feel like I’m failing miserably as a mom. This is where I’m always hardest on myself I realize, but lately I feel like I’m doing less than my usual mediocre job. Nothing in particular has happened to suddenly make me feel this way. Perhaps it’s the lack of sleep which results in a lack of patience.

I picked Jax up from his Cub Scout meeting this afternoon and I seemed to be one of the last parents to arrive. I have a sneaking suspicion that many of the moms had stayed for the entire Den Meeting…mostly due to the compliments I received on the cupcakes I had sent in. Yes, the cupcakes were homemade and yes they were decorated as baseballs to go with the sports theme of the party. But sending in baked goods doesn’t make me feel any better about not being able to actually be present.

I am struggling with finding summer child care. I’m facing the difficult choice of putting Jax in summer school. I’m feeling like as much as I love my new hometown, I really can’t do the whole parenting thing alone up here. It’s funny how you never realize how much you depend on others until they’re no longer around…another reason I do my best not to depend on others.

Does Jax tell me he hates me on a regular basis? No

Does he complain that I’m not in the classroom like the other moms? Sometimes, but rarely

No, he tells me that I’m his favorite mom…and his second and third favorite too. He tells me what a great mom I am. This should make me feel like I’m doing a good job, maybe not a great job, but that I am doing ok. It doesn’t, it makes me feel even worse about the ways I’m failing him as a mom.

Now I finally understand why to this day my mom still beats herself up over mistakes she made when we were growing up.

So if it’s possible to fail in every aspect of your life at the same time, why can’t we kick ass in every aspect of life at the same time?